http://www.niwo.com/steve/music/xlayton_xpurple_ball_purple_balloonx.mp3

You can hear that up to 2:35 my mom was alive and everything was like it always was; from 2:36 on it’s two months later and my mom is gone, but she is now in every note and thought to the piece’s end.

(The title — My mom’s favorite color was purple. The day of the funeral, at my sister’s house a purple ball appeared on her front yard, that nobody had ever seen before; that afternoon after the service we released purple balloons into the air, and I watched them rise and drift out of sight over the low hills she’d lived on so long.)

Perhaps the act of playing music freely, without any expectation, censoring or the need to “produce” something, is housed in a different department of the brain?

I would say yes; cf., e.g., this article.

I am sorry for your loss, though. Hang in there.

In regard to interpretation, I not only agree, but I find it difficult to find performers who can or are willing to go there; they’ve been trained as mere technicians. To capture the flow, the feeling of a piece accurately in notation is most difficult. Last week a pianist performed my work “Dusk” — not a complex piece, but full of nuance. After a couple of struggling rehearsals, she finally understood, that my notation is not an exact instruction manual, but a guide to how to FEEL the piece – to make it HER Dusk. The performance was stellar.

I’m doing my first commission for specific persons. I am definitely doing all the composing. However, this ensemble has specific techniques and personalities. I want to make sure I highlight their talents. Without the collaborative dialog, there is no way I can do so. I have never played their instruments. The leader is also a skilled orchestrator with more experience than I have. I would be foolish to not maximize my learning from his input. I am the composer, but the piece will be dedicated to the ensemble. So far, I am loving this process.